“I do not modify my beliefs and convictions for the convenience of others or myself because I rely upon being who I am.”

~Raven Grimassi, Wiccan Author and Teacher

When it comes to paganism and Wicca, those who are drawn to this path are usually drawn to it because they are fiercely individualistic and often too progressive in their thoughts or actions for many “organized” and mainstream religious belief structures. The idea of nature being their church and the seasons being sacred seems intuitive and comforting to them.

They may read books or blogs, take inspiration from them, set up an altar, pick a goddess and god, start meditating or spending quiet time in nature, make magical items by hand and learn tarot or rune divination. All of which seems to empower and uplift them. At least it does for a while.

But, within a short time, they inevitably feel a lack of something in their spiritual sphere. It is not the lack of spirit or magic, but a lack of togetherness, of community. Humans are a social creature and, no matter how individualistic and rebellious the person, they inevitably want to feel accepted. They want to belong to something greater than themselves.

And, in our modern world of 6-lane highways and working over-time, laptops, gameboys and iPods, it is not surprising. For modern families, there is very little time to spare for tenderness and the creation of sanctuary that our homes and families once were to us. So we search for family and acceptance outside the home.

I was no different and, at 19, after 5 years of dabbling on my own in paganism and Wicca I found a teacher willing to accept me into her coven. And I was over the moon, learning ways to develop my own awareness of myself while sharing sacred celebrations with others who believed what I believed. It was magnificent!

Many years were spent with this eclectic group of people, some of them quirky, some classy, some creative and some demanding. But the magic and the lessons and the fun that were had there forged a strong bond between us. We were a family and we shared many experiences as a family unit. There were births and deaths, weddings and divorces and there were wonderful ceremonies that corresponded to each of them.

I experienced beautiful moon rituals, moments of spontaneous telepathy, frightening scenes of possession and ridiculously funny jokes. I was part of ancient traditions and modern movements, planted community gardens and saw goddesses walking in the flesh. And the overwhelming sense of awe at the magic of human life is what I still cherish most from those times.

It was after a full decade, and to my great sadness, that a change began to occur in our sphere. Our family was shifting, with people leaving and others entering. It wasn’t all that odd, students came and left frequently over the years, not being willing to dedicate themselves to personal development, some being too young and some just wanting to run around with witches. Whatever, these new changes and shifts resulted in uneven and unpleasant personal dynamics.

Some were after power, wanting to sit at the right hand of the priestess, some were resolutely unwilling to accept change, wanting tradition to remain as it had been, and some were blissfully willing to follow whatever was proclaimed to be right, wanting merely to weather the storm. But the magic was gone, the trust shattered.

In the end, as rules were changed, as titles were handed out, as expectations were increased and as joy was overshadowed by pageant, those who were truly magical and spiritual, those with the most integrity, saw fit to leave and go their own way. What choice was there when a freeing, individualistic spirituality had been turned into a fractured, “organized” religion right before their very eyes?

It took me a long time to finally admit that a break had occurred, that my spirit could no longer evolve or be involved with such imbalanced behavior, even in the name of the Goddess, even for the sake of family. So I went my own way. But the parting was not easy, and it was not painless.

I had to leave many people behind, because you leave all associations in the dust. If you speak to one member or associate, then you must assume that you are speaking to them all. This is the level of mistrust that took root at the end. I feel the loss, quite keenly, of one or two very close, sibling-like friends. (I mean you Aia, wherever you are.)

My gifts of sight, of knowledge of the past and of channeling spirit guides, had led me to KNOW for certain that I had shared many magical and emotional moments with several of those people in more than one past life. And, even though I knew that I was choosing the freedom and happiness of my own spirit over misplaced loyalty and unwarranted expectations, I still felt the loss as a death. Though I knew and know that I will see those loved ones again in other incarnations, I still mourned for ages, for the past few years actually.

And the mourning, for what had been and what could have been, was a bit like a prison at times. A mental prison where I questioned all that I had ever known with these people, all that I had learned and experienced there. Was I delusional all along? Were they ever trustworthy? Was my magic my own or something that I owe to them?

Only very recently have I come to understand that the meeting was not coincidental, that being with this coven, most of whom were exceedingly lovely people, had fostered an environment and a confidence in me that allowed me to develop into who I am today. I am sensitive, though not always in good ways, and I am strong, often obstinately so. I am a psychic and a mystic and I have known people who see absolutely no problem with that. I was given, for whatever length of time, a home in which my abilities and quirks were acceptable and not shunned.

Having come to realize these gifts that my magical family gave to me, not my personal abilities, but the setting in which they could be freely expressed, has helped me to see too that we ALL are truly walking our own individual spiritual paths.

You can never learn from anyone else the truths that belong only to you. Group religions do not function on a personal level, and only someone who has truly developed their own spirit can know that. Some may disagree, but this is MY truth. The group mentality has no place in spirituality. Go to a ceremony or a ritual, but go with the understanding that you are at no one’s command, you are a student unto yourself only.

Outside of you there will always be restrictions, there will always be expectations and power-struggle. That is a simple fact of human nature. The most ancient societies had systems of caste, of ruler and ruled. And religions have the same, those who are purportedly closer to the divine, and therefore have the rights, or even a supposed responsibility, to make rules which govern the thoughts and actions of those below them on the sacredness totem pole.

But in reality we are EACH the divine, we are our own deity. Because none is made of less or more. The creator/creatrix cannot create but of itself and that is what all of us are made of. So if you want to know what is your divinity, you must quiet yourself and go within yourself to find it. No one else can show you your own magic.

I am glad for having been a member of a magical and spiritual family, for all of its faults and follies. But I am equally glad to be on my own now.

I know what is true for me. I know what magic works for me. It is freeing to decide for myself what days will be holy, which actions are held sacred.

Do I think that everyone who is in a coven or a church or a mosque should leave it and follow their own path? Not necessarily. At least not right now. You will know if that path is for you, when and if the time comes. And you will be perfectly free to still practice and believe, or disregard and dismiss, any elements of your spiritual belief system that you choose.

All that I am saying is that, for myself, I am happy that the possession of twelve different colored robes, and my skill at making miniature cornucopias for guests to the harvest ritual, are no longer the measures by which my spiritual evolution and personal integrity are judged.

Blessed Be!

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